Monday, April 30, 2012

Darkness & Light

Anger is a complicated thing and it always seems to be fighting to take over my identity.  It courses through my veins and vibrates in my cells.  I keep trying to give it permission to leave, but it won't.  I think there is a part of myself that withholds permission, holding the anger captive in an unsuspecting heart.

I had a dream last night, where someone was hurting my child and I felt that anger over take me.  The abuser stood in front of me with the most ugly disgusting look of..."yes I am abusing your child, and you can do nothing about it" on his face.  I walked up to him and looked into the deadness of his eyes, then I looked at my sweet daughter who was afraid and confused, not only by the actions of this man, but by the emptiness that this kind of evil brings into a room.  I hated him for giving my daughter this experience and I hated him for knowing how much I hated him....and reveling in it.  I was sick.  My fists were clenched, my heart pumping.  He looked at me and I looked at him, but I couldn't do it....I couldn't pound  his smug look into the ground like I so desperately wanted to.  I felt so weak....physically weak....and I hated myself for it.  I was afraid of what he could do to me, or my sweet daughter if I tried and failed.  I didn't want to put her through any more trauma, so I stuffed my anger down, took her by the hand and we walked away.

I didn't know how to react with anything but anger and hate.  I wanted him to feel pain....any kind of pain, but I couldn't inflict it and that bothered me.

This is a familiar scene in my life, and I knew this man represented everyone who has hurt my heart over the years. I have known far too often the feeling of being hurt by others and stuffing it down until there is so much hate, anger and resentment inside, I feel like I am going to explode.

I feel like a Jekyll and Hyde torn between love and forgiveness and hate and resentment.  I was created with a gentle heart.  A desire for peace.  The thought of hurting someone else has never felt right or appropriate, no matter how much hurt they are causing me,and yet all of that unexpressed emotion is eating me alive.

I remember my brother constantly beating on me and teasing me as a child.  I hated him for it, but I would just take it and cry.  I remember my mom getting so tired of it all, she would say, "Michelle just get up and beat on him, give it back to him he can't do this to you", but I couldn't.  I knew I was physically weaker than him and I didn't want to be mocked for my lame attempt at "fighting back", so I just laid down and took it.  I also couldn't stand the thought of hurting him...what good would that do?

I don't want to be weak anymore.  I don't want to walk the planet, handicapped by anger, too weak to defend myself and those I love.  I don't think I have ever realized more than I do this morning, how small and powerless I am without my Savior.  When I woke up this morning, with the sickness of my dream aching in my body, I knew I needed Him to take my burden and make it light.  I think I have tried to carry it on my own for far too long.


  1. Okay Michelle... I just found you and holy moly I am SO glad I did!

    I LOVE THIS POST.... it has touched my soul tonight... I have experienced my own personal hell on earth (my perfect life was shattered in one day, the day I found out my husband had been cheating on me our whole marriage)... but this is a discovery that I have slowly made too... that I can only do so much on my own... it has been an incredible journey to say the least. I've learned so much.

    It's so easy to carry resentments... trust me, I know. There I times when I sob into my pillow, seething because of my broken life, my broken temple marriage, the broken home I'm raising my 4 year old in. BUT I have discovered that it can be all consuming and I don't want that... no way... so I am choosing to be happy... even though life didn't go according to plan... and you know, I am happy :) Life is good.

    Anyway, thank you for sharing! I love this!

    I'm your newest follower... I really like your writing!


    1. Jacy,

      You are so kind! Pain is such a tricky thing to navigate through, but a common experience for us all. I'm so happy to know of people who have triumphed over those things that feel so unbearable. Thank you for reaching out to me. It means a lot to know something I wrote has touched your heart.


  2. Yes I am going through some similar things right now. It is so tough to let the pain go. I'm still working at it and trying to work on myself as well. It sucks, but know there are so many of us out there that get it, that know what you feel.

    1. Thank you Bubbles! It is heartbreaking to know so many people are struggling with similar things. It does help a lot though to know I am not alone.