Saturday, September 26, 2015

Uncomfortable Reality Checks

Uncomfortable reality checks (random information about myself that will probably make you all uncomfortable):

1. I have gained close to 50 lbs. since I moved to Springville. 50 LBS!!! I was about 30 lbs. overweight when I moved here, so this is not the direction I want to be going. The 20 year old me would have died of horrified shame by now. The good news is, I love myself more now than I did when I was 20. The thing that makes me sad and frustrated is that being this overweight is really hard work. I am literally carrying around an extra 80 lbs. everywhere I go. It makes everything harder...and its lame.

2. I have become a loner. Sure, I have friends, but not the kind you call just to chat about stuff, hang out and let your kids play together, go out for lunch, etc. I wonder how this has happened? I used to have friends like this. Is it marriage? life? kids? 80 lb. weight gain? maybe I'm a little too zealous about stuff and I scare people away? Perhaps I'm super awkward?
Like my sweet daughter said one day after experiencing a rough day at school, "I feel like I fit out".

3. I am an easy quitter. I don't like that about myself, but it is true. I am probably the most inconsistent person I know. I have also been tired for as long as I can remember. I am trying to decide if I am unmotivated and inconsistent because I am so tired, or am I so tired because I am unmotivated and inconsistent. Vicious cycle?

4. I am a horrible and inconsistent (see, there it is again) visiting teacher. I am also in a church calling where I should be an example in that area, so that's really uncomfortable for me.

5. The sweetest, most rewarding and most difficult relationships I have are with my husband and children. They are the perfect challenge for me, just as they should be. That is not the reality check. The reality check is this: I have become a super grumpy mamma/wife. Instead of rising to the challenges, I am walking around with an irritated chip on my shoulder. Oh man....this little chip is feisty, and it jumps at every opportunity to make it's presence known.

6. It is becoming more and more clear that I am not myself anymore. Where did I go? Why have I been hiding? I have really been looking closely at myself (hence this list of uncomfortable reality checks ;)), and I can see I am in serious need of repentance, forgiveness, and reaching out of myself. I have accepted callings, relationships, and responsibilities because I truly want to love and be of service. In fact, I want my new motto to be, "If you are in my path, you're gonna get loved" (to zealous?). Unfortunately, I cannot do that in the state I am in.

Reality check. I'm being lame. I need help.
Okay, Lord. Let's do this.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

I'm Back!

Hello friend. 
It has been way too long since we've had a good chat. 

Obviously blogging has taken a back burner in my life during the last several months and in some ways it has been good. In other ways it has been unhealthy for me to ignore my need to share what is going on in my heart and mind. 

One evening recently I typed www.whathappinessis....and sure enough my blog address popped up at the top of the list. I spend a good two hours reading my past posts, reliving the joy and newness of motherhood, life in the west desert, and other various thoughts and ideas. I felt like I had returned home. I heard the Spirit whisper that I needed to come back.

Honestly, I realized that I have been feeling foggy. I feel scattered, and it might possibly be because there is so much goodness and struggle filling my psyche that I need let some of it pour out of me, so that I can clear my mind and make room for more.

So, here I am. 

I hope you have room to take me back into your life(the few of you who visited often). I'd really love to be friends again, and we have so much to catch up on!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Comfort Zone

Here I am sitting on my bed, a pillow behind my back holding me upright in the softness.  I sit and type or read and write.  

I love this place.  

I feel cozy here and as I look around the room I see my life. Tyler's shoes, a pile of used tissues, his half full bottle of cologne. 

Grandmother's vanity holds all of my treasures. Creams, perfumes and girly potions.  Journals, planners, favorite books, Emilee's drawings, Adeline's toys, love letters and framed mementos of my past.  

I see vision, dreams, goals and ambitions.  I see the elements of a life created, not just endured.

Sometimes I envy the lives of others with their impeccable style and attention to detail.  It is so easy to feel like I am lacking or behind or don't know what to do next. But the truth is my life is beautiful too.  It is perfect in it's timing. A constant flow of change and familiarity.  I like it that way.

A new favorite quote says, "Everything your heart truly desires is just outside of your comfort zone."  My heart knows this is true, and my spirit knows it too, and I am excited for all of the things that lie ahead of me.  Great and wonderful things that will give me a gut ache and set my heart on fire! 

On nights like this though, it feels so good to be surrounded by the things that comfort me.  The things that bring me home.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Learning What We're Made Of

This photos was taken before Tyler and I were married.  I love that we have experienced so many things together between that day and this.  We have matured and learned so much about love and forgiveness.  We have transformed in such gradual yet grandiose ways, and together we continue to move in the direction of our greatest goals. 
Marriage is designed to stretch us. Marriage has been hard...very hard, and I am married to a good man. 
He has become a mirror in my life, held up for me to see the areas of dysfunction within myself. When we start feeling incompatibility, I know it's time to look at what is being reflected back at me and try to refine those things within myself. It can be a very uncomfortable and humbling process, but I think it has allowed me the progress I'm looking for in my life. Progress I'm not sure I could have made on my own.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Swinging for the fences

I had a dream the other night.  It felt like one of those old slide reels where you push the button and the next photo comes up.  The pictures were of me.  I was in a crowded place that appeared to be a ball park with concession stands in the back ground.  I was with someone.  The very person who took these photos and I knew that I liked him...maybe even loved him, because my face was flush and flirty, my eyes flashing that certain sparkle reserved for a someone special.

This dream felt like a breath of fresh air.

When I saw myself, I was intrigued.  I wanted to know that girl in those pictures and figure out where she came from and what she's all about.  

I felt jealous of her carefree way, but most of all I yearned for her youthfulness, her smile and her charm.  I felt a reminder echoing in my heart..."youth doesn't have to be wasted on the young".  I'm still young.  

I have allowed my burdens and insecurities to age me.  Physically and emotionally.

So many of my dreams are like soft spoken wake-up calls.  Insights into who I am....what my spirit is trying to tell me.  What I haven't been willing to hear.

"It's time to grow UP...not grow old."

I need to be present and BE youthful while I am still young.  I need to push myself, use my muscles, work my body and my mind.  Step out of myself, wear my heart on my sleeve, and share the warmth and spark that only I can share.

I need to REALLY show up and be my best, flash my flirty smile at the man who holds my heart, and show my girls what it means to love and be loved.

When I swing, I need to swing for the fence.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I am a Fighter

Fighting for my family.
Fighting for peace of mind.
Fighting for truth.
Fighting for clear perspective.
Fighting for a pure heart and clean hands.
Fighting for order.
Fighting for light.
Fighting for love.
Fighting to become who I was created to be.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Gold & Blush

I have this image of myself in my mind. 

I don't know if it's the way I used to be or the way I will eventually become or even the way I am now behind all of the veils that make my image soft and blurry. 

The picture is both pretty and poetic.

I am alive with purpose, my face washed in serenity of spirit, my features softened by grace.  My eyes shine bright and warm, like the lamps in the windows of a familiar place.  My body stands strong and feminine. Every curve and muscle a sign of my battle valiantly fought.   

I am laughter and ambition wrapped in shades of gold and blush.

This image is what keeps me in love with myself on the days that are ugly and confusing, and reminds me that there is breath-taking beauty in here waiting to be called out into the light.