Tuesday, December 9, 2014

I'm Back!

Hello friend. 
It has been way too long since we've had a good chat. 

Obviously blogging has taken a back burner in my life during the last several months and in some ways it has been good. In other ways it has been unhealthy for me to ignore my need to share what is going on in my heart and mind. 

One evening recently I typed www.whathappinessis....and sure enough my blog address popped up at the top of the list. I spend a good two hours reading my past posts, reliving the joy and newness of motherhood, life in the west desert, and other various thoughts and ideas. I felt like I had returned home. I heard the Spirit whisper that I needed to come back.

Honestly, I realized that I have been feeling foggy. I feel scattered, and it might possibly be because there is so much goodness and struggle filling my psyche that I need let some of it pour out of me, so that I can clear my mind and make room for more.

So, here I am. 

I hope you have room to take me back into your life(the few of you who visited often). I'd really love to be friends again, and we have so much to catch up on!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Comfort Zone

Here I am sitting on my bed, a pillow behind my back holding me upright in the softness.  I sit and type or read and write.  

I love this place.  

I feel cozy here and as I look around the room I see my life. Tyler's shoes, a pile of used tissues, his half full bottle of cologne. 

Grandmother's vanity holds all of my treasures. Creams, perfumes and girly potions.  Journals, planners, favorite books, Emilee's drawings, Adeline's toys, love letters and framed mementos of my past.  

I see vision, dreams, goals and ambitions.  I see the elements of a life created, not just endured.

Sometimes I envy the lives of others with their impeccable style and attention to detail.  It is so easy to feel like I am lacking or behind or don't know what to do next. But the truth is my life is beautiful too.  It is perfect in it's timing. A constant flow of change and familiarity.  I like it that way.

A new favorite quote says, "Everything your heart truly desires is just outside of your comfort zone."  My heart knows this is true, and my spirit knows it too, and I am excited for all of the things that lie ahead of me.  Great and wonderful things that will give me a gut ache and set my heart on fire! 

On nights like this though, it feels so good to be surrounded by the things that comfort me.  The things that bring me home.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Learning What We're Made Of

This photos was taken before Tyler and I were married.  I love that we have experienced so many things together between that day and this.  We have matured and learned so much about love and forgiveness.  We have transformed in such gradual yet grandiose ways, and together we continue to move in the direction of our greatest goals. 
Marriage is designed to stretch us. Marriage has been hard...very hard, and I am married to a good man. 
He has become a mirror in my life, held up for me to see the areas of dysfunction within myself. When we start feeling incompatibility, I know it's time to look at what is being reflected back at me and try to refine those things within myself. It can be a very uncomfortable and humbling process, but I think it has allowed me the progress I'm looking for in my life. Progress I'm not sure I could have made on my own.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Swinging for the fences

I had a dream the other night.  It felt like one of those old slide reels where you push the button and the next photo comes up.  The pictures were of me.  I was in a crowded place that appeared to be a ball park with concession stands in the back ground.  I was with someone.  The very person who took these photos and I knew that I liked him...maybe even loved him, because my face was flush and flirty, my eyes flashing that certain sparkle reserved for a someone special.

This dream felt like a breath of fresh air.

When I saw myself, I was intrigued.  I wanted to know that girl in those pictures and figure out where she came from and what she's all about.  

I felt jealous of her carefree way, but most of all I yearned for her youthfulness, her smile and her charm.  I felt a reminder echoing in my heart..."youth doesn't have to be wasted on the young".  I'm still young.  

I have allowed my burdens and insecurities to age me.  Physically and emotionally.

So many of my dreams are like soft spoken wake-up calls.  Insights into who I am....what my spirit is trying to tell me.  What I haven't been willing to hear.

"It's time to grow UP...not grow old."

I need to be present and BE youthful while I am still young.  I need to push myself, use my muscles, work my body and my mind.  Step out of myself, wear my heart on my sleeve, and share the warmth and spark that only I can share.

I need to REALLY show up and be my best, flash my flirty smile at the man who holds my heart, and show my girls what it means to love and be loved.

When I swing, I need to swing for the fence.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I am a Fighter

Fighting for my family.
Fighting for peace of mind.
Fighting for truth.
Fighting for clear perspective.
Fighting for a pure heart and clean hands.
Fighting for order.
Fighting for light.
Fighting for love.
Fighting to become who I was created to be.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Gold & Blush

I have this image of myself in my mind. 

I don't know if it's the way I used to be or the way I will eventually become or even the way I am now behind all of the veils that make my image soft and blurry. 

The picture is both pretty and poetic.

I am alive with purpose, my face washed in serenity of spirit, my features softened by grace.  My eyes shine bright and warm, like the lamps in the windows of a familiar place.  My body stands strong and feminine. Every curve and muscle a sign of my battle valiantly fought.   

I am laughter and ambition wrapped in shades of gold and blush.

This image is what keeps me in love with myself on the days that are ugly and confusing, and reminds me that there is breath-taking beauty in here waiting to be called out into the light.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Darkness & Light

Anger is a complicated thing and it always seems to be fighting to take over my identity.  It courses through my veins and vibrates in my cells.  I keep trying to give it permission to leave, but it won't.  I think there is a part of myself that withholds permission, holding the anger captive in an unsuspecting heart.

I had a dream last night, where someone was hurting my child and I felt that anger over take me.  The abuser stood in front of me with the most ugly disgusting look of..."yes I am abusing your child, and you can do nothing about it" on his face.  I walked up to him and looked into the deadness of his eyes, then I looked at my sweet daughter who was afraid and confused, not only by the actions of this man, but by the emptiness that this kind of evil brings into a room.  I hated him for giving my daughter this experience and I hated him for knowing how much I hated him....and reveling in it.  I was sick.  My fists were clenched, my heart pumping.  He looked at me and I looked at him, but I couldn't do it....I couldn't pound  his smug look into the ground like I so desperately wanted to.  I felt so weak....physically weak....and I hated myself for it.  I was afraid of what he could do to me, or my sweet daughter if I tried and failed.  I didn't want to put her through any more trauma, so I stuffed my anger down, took her by the hand and we walked away.

I didn't know how to react with anything but anger and hate.  I wanted him to feel pain....any kind of pain, but I couldn't inflict it and that bothered me.

This is a familiar scene in my life, and I knew this man represented everyone who has hurt my heart over the years. I have known far too often the feeling of being hurt by others and stuffing it down until there is so much hate, anger and resentment inside, I feel like I am going to explode.

I feel like a Jekyll and Hyde torn between love and forgiveness and hate and resentment.  I was created with a gentle heart.  A desire for peace.  The thought of hurting someone else has never felt right or appropriate, no matter how much hurt they are causing me,and yet all of that unexpressed emotion is eating me alive.

I remember my brother constantly beating on me and teasing me as a child.  I hated him for it, but I would just take it and cry.  I remember my mom getting so tired of it all, she would say, "Michelle just get up and beat on him, give it back to him....show him he can't do this to you", but I couldn't.  I knew I was physically weaker than him and I didn't want to be mocked for my lame attempt at "fighting back", so I just laid down and took it.  I also couldn't stand the thought of hurting him...what good would that do?

I don't want to be weak anymore.  I don't want to walk the planet, handicapped by anger, too weak to defend myself and those I love.  I don't think I have ever realized more than I do this morning, how small and powerless I am without my Savior.  When I woke up this morning, with the sickness of my dream aching in my body, I knew I needed Him to take my burden and make it light.  I think I have tried to carry it on my own for far too long.